What not to say on job applications and resumes and in interviews

What not to say on job applications and resumes and in interviews

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Craziest things people say on job applications and resumes and in Interviews

Usually we’d talk about things that should be included on job resumes and applications and in interviews  but this time we’re gonna look at what shouldn’t be said and the craziest things that people put on job applications and resumes.

what not to say in interviews - resumes - applications

Reasons for your job application:

  • I think I am going to be fired from my current job.
  • To prove to my wife that I am actively seeking employment.

Special Skills:

  • I always cook for my family.
  • I am bilingual, I can speak in three languages.
  • Able to function without oxygen at 36,000 feet.I am quick at typing – about 30wpm or 45wpm with strong coffee.
  • Good people skills, except when people are old and bitter or they get on my nerves.
  • Very fast metabolism.
  • Very good at lock picking.
  • I am psychic.
  • I assume I am proficient in using the software you mention although I havent tried it yet.
  • I speak English and Spaniards.

Qualifications:

  • Twin brother has marketing degree.
  • Trained in harassment.

Personal Attributes:

  • My name is Nora, a one worded name, it’s my full, legal name.
  • Martial status: Repeatedly
  • Sex: Sometimes
  • Children: Many
  • I am 30 years old with the facial hair of a 14-year-old.
  • I have blue eyes, blong hair and ears of approximately three inches in length.
  • Strengths: Really good at Grand Theft Auto.
  • I consider my self chatty but I do know when to shut my big trap.
  • I have an excellent track record, although I’m not a horse.
  • I offer mediocrity at its best.
  • I’m worth investigating.

Reason for leaving previous job:

  • Having to arrive too early.
  • Contract terminated after I was overheard saying: “It would be a blessing to get fired.”
  • I thought the world was about to end.
  • Husband was boss, left me for cook.
  • They stopped making patties in the restaurant

Salary Expectations:

  • Current Salary – $38, 500. Expected Salary – $280,000
  • I want to travel the world next year, but i need money to pay for it, so here’s my application

Previous Experience:

  • I am quite experienced with the Burger King menu.
  • Worked with my mum cleaning the house.
  • I know I have the makings of an expert policeman because in my youth I was a drug dealer, a pick pocket, an internet fraudster and a burglar.
  • Responsibilities included recruiting, screening, interviewing and executing final candidates.
  • Self-employed – a fiasco.
  • Size of current employer: very big and tall – about 6ft 9in.

References:

  • John.
  • Please only talk to Steve – definitely not James.
  • Best I not answer.
  • Who better to tell you about me than… me.

Hobbies and Interests:

  • None at present.
  • Gossiping.
  • Donating blood. 17 gallons donated already.
  • Lipo.
  • I like to talk
  • I rank 82th in the world of yo-yoing.
  • Raping and famous rapers. [I think he meant rapping and rappers.].
  • Planning our wedding; only 242 days to go!

 

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